Ten Indicators That The Rock Concert You’re Attending Probably Won’t Be Everything You’d Hoped It Would Be
1.)A month before the concert, you receive a courtesy e-mail informing you that, due to historically high demand, rather than add more shows, the concert has been moved from the 5,000-seat performing arts venue to a nearby 60,0000-seat outdoor sports megaplex. In addition, the promoter promises to exchange your tickets for a comparable pair just as soon as every season ticket holder for every team that calls the megaplex home gets a shot.
2.)As you enter the concert hall, you look up and notice the performer’s name preceded by “AN EVENING WITH...” on the marquee. This usually means one, or all, of the following...
·The performer was once part of a great band and will be attempting to resurrect his or her career with new solo material.
·The performer will be playing his or her favorite cover tunes accompanied by a little known, but classically trained clarinet player.
·The performer no longer has the drawing power to attract large audiences, so they bill the show as “AN EVENING WITH...” to make it seem as though the intimacy was their choice.
3.)You approach the turnstile and realize the date on your ticket is not a match to the date on the calendar.
4.)You notice, as the band walks on stage, one of their founding members has been replaced by another member’s son or daughter.
5.)The crowd around you is drunk, rowdy, nearly out of control, and the nearest usher resembles your great-aunt Clara.
6.)After opening with a flurry of hard rock anthems, the lead singer steps to the mike, and says, “We’d like to try something a little different tonight...” Meanwhile, the roadies are placing stools in front of mike stands, and swapping out electric instruments for acoustic ones.
7.)The person beside, behind, or in front of you is an asshole.
For example...
General admission:
·Person beside you decides it’s a good night to introduce the one-man mosh pit.
·Person behind you likes to whistle and sing off-key and has breath like raw sewage.
·Person in front of you is wearing a baseball cap and keeps turning to talk to his friend obstructing your sightline with the cap’s bill.
Assigned seating:
·Person beside you constantly drifts into your personal standing space (for you drifters, that’s the area directly in front of your seat – use the armrests as your guide)
·Person behind you remains seated, yelling, “Down in front!” while everyone else stands during up-tempo numbers.
·Person in front of you brings a sign.
8.)The person beside, behind, or in front of you is an asshole and you paid for their ticket.
9.)You’re on the floor, halfway back, when some nitwit decides to hoist his girlfriend, who is 5 feet tall and can’t see, onto his shoulders, erecting what amounts to an eight-foot-high asshole-totem-pole in the middle of the floor.
*Standing on your seat creates the same effect – asshole!
10.)You arrive well before showtime to stake out an amazing spot down front, but when the lights go out, you find yourself drowning in a sea of assholes as wave after wave of stage divers and crowd surfers threaten to swamp you under.
Remember: YOU DO NOT HAVE TO CATCH THEM...let the bodies hit the floor...let the bodies hit the floor...It’s not easy to crowd surf in a body cast.
I really do love going to rock concerts, and don’t mind sitting or standing alone, which, if you hadn’t already guessed, is how things usually end up.
